 |
| Sort of. Only with barbells. And Luon. |
Where you are in time is entirely your own perception at a given moment. We can only experience time within the self. You know the whole, "age is just a number," "You're only as old as you feel," routine. We have anecdotal data culled from years of CrossFit to illustrate this point.
After millions of workouts brutal enough to turn you into a quivering tube of toothpaste, ready to be squeezed into the nearest porcelain bowl, we've learned to control time–but there's a catch.
Time won't go backwards; we can only slow it down or speed it up. If you want to travel to the future like a greased up naked guy eluding law enforcement, it's easy. Here's the procedure:
- Go to Burger King.
- Get a triple whopper with extra mayo and onion rings. Do this three times every day.
- Get hammer-face drunk every night. Milwaukee's Best ONLY.
- Don't sleep more than three or four hours a night.
- Under no circumstances do anything that looks like fitness or touch a barbell.
If you follow these rules, you will accelerate advancement towards the long dirt-nap. You can find out what happens when you get there, quicker. That's how you engage rapid, forward time travel.
I'm an asshole though. I don't give a fuck about the carbon-cost my existence foists upon the earth. I end sentences with prepositions and I like saying, "Told ya so." So, I'm going to hang around for awhile. I want to slow time down a whole bunch. As luck would have it, we know how to do that, too:
- Only eat things that still seem like a good idea the next day. Everyone wants to eat a bucket of fried chicken covered in ice cream. No one wants to wake up next to it.
- Only get hammered when you've earned it. Like a PR on Fran or a 450 lb. back squat, or if you've competed honorably. Do this with tequila (more about the time travel properties of tequila in another post).
- Make your bedroom darker than darkness, Charlie Murphy. Sleep like a dead man for eight hours.
- Frequently do things–heavy things–that cause perspiration and feel a lot like dying.
If you can get close to that you will all but stop time. I mean, fuck. Look at some of these CrossFit Games Masters athletes. Now extrapolate to someone that's been taking care of themselves this way since they took their last walk of shame in college. We're all going to look like Patrick Swazey and Keanu Reeves did in "Point Break" until we fucking die.
Time travel is pretty simple. Fuck physics. It's also convenient that we don't have to contend with the small issue of attaining infinite mass as we near the speed of light. Spealler and a lot of dudes might dig that option, but I don't think the ladies would.
